


His Greatest Mistake

by Drimeth



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Coping with trauma, Learning better habits, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death, caleb needs therapy, he comes back don’t worry, spoilers for fic in tags, this fic was supposed to be short
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22430593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drimeth/pseuds/Drimeth
Summary: Kind of set around getting into Xhorhas (ep51), but that’s about it.Caleb has many mistakes in his life, but one night he tries to solve them all. If it the right choice, or another mistake?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

Caleb has had many regrets in his life. He would argue that his life was nothing but mistakes and regrets. A tidal wave of pain and suffering that he inflicts on others and himself. Only he should be suffering but yet he, time and time again, forces others to experience his failures.

There was a reason he stayed in the back during battles. He provided light and light other things on fire. That and reading fast was all he was really good for.

It was his turn for watch, stroking the fire in the cave since he ran out of magic earlier that evening. He looked at Jester. Sweet Jester.

He rubbed his eyes, the flash of steel in his firelight, Jester’s scream of pain, the smell of ash as he burned the monster to the bone and that to nothing while Caduceus protected his fallen friend.

Caleb learned later that Yasha carried him as Fjord carried Jester to safety. Took two spells to heal her into a position that Caduceus felt was safe enough to leave her be.

And Caleb did nothing to help.

Again.

He looked at her again, her quiet breathing, on her back so the front won’t be hurt. All the red staining her lovely dress. The one she had when he first met her. She had been so full of life and because Caleb was useless that brightness almost went out forever.

Caleb hated himself.

“you’re useless. You are supposed to help and you never do. First Molly, now Jester. Who will be next, hm? Who will you get killed next? The only one who deserves to die in this group is you.”

The thought hit him hard, but it was true. He never paid for the crimes he has committed. Time and time again he gets away with it. And Trent… He will never be strong enough to face Trent. He will freeze and his friends will suffer for it.

But maybe… Maybe he can fix something.

Trent was looking for Caleb. If Caleb was gone, there would be no reason to look at the rest of the Mighty Nein.

His heart started pounding as he thought over this plan. It would work. He can leave everything he learned for the others with his books, and there will be one less person to hold them back. One less mouth to feed, one less body to take room in the inns, one less share of the money to be divided.

Caleb felt tears welling up but fought them down. Jester would be healed tomorrow and probably hate him for letting her be hurt. Beau will be mad at him too for being useless when Jester needed help. Fjord will probably be happy to not have to share the role of leader that Nott seems to think belongs to him. Nott herself…

Caleb looked at the reincarnated goblin girl. She will miss him, at first at least, but it will be for the best. The rest of the Nein will protect her, keep her safe, and bring her back to the family that loves her.

His mind made up, he carefully stands and lays his coat on Nott as a blanket and wakes Caduceus up. “May you take watch? I must step aside for a moment.”

Caduceus slowly woke and nodded. “Everything okay?”

“Ja, I simply need to, er… use a washroom.”

“There are no washrooms out here.”

“The action is still the same.” Caleb’s heart hurt. He will miss the simple things confusing his furbolg friend.

“Ah, right. Don’t go too far.” He warned Caleb and sat up to take watch.

“I won’t. But I might be some time.” He got a nod and Caleb walked out of the cave.

He did go far, making sure if he yells that Caduceus won’t hear him. That any smells won’t carry on the wind to be perceived. Down the twisting path into the forest below the small mountain they were taking shelter in. Down from sight and unwanted help.

He continued to not allowed himself to cry as he takes of his precious halters and books, finding a small nook to keep them safe until his remains are discovered. He thinks for a moment about digging a grave manually but decides against. It would take too long, and who would want to give him a grave?

He pulls out the small dagger he keeps on him, the same one he gave to Yasha that first night in the circus tent, when Molly was a star and bigger than life, when only Nott had to suffer through his stupidity and flaws.

He sat down carefully under the branches of a steady tree, making sure there was no way to see him from the cave. He didn’t want them to stop him out of obligation. He needed to do this. For them. For his parents. For everyone he hurt and killed for Trent.

Finally, he had no reason to delay this any longer. Caleb’s breath shook as did his hands as he positioned the dagger to his heart. He closed his eyes, prepared for the pain, and thrusted.

It was more painful than he imagined, gasping and tightening his hold on the hilt. Blood filled his throat, filled him, covered his front and stained everything about.

He slumped backwards against the bark, body growing heavy as more blood is lost. Caleb hopes that Caduceus would be happy his body was going to give to the earth. Maybe the Wildmother he worshiped would be happy with him for what Caleb has done. Would any good tea be made from a rotten source like Caleb?

It felt like shades of grey covered him. First his hearting, only the sound of his sliced heart filled his ears, then ash replaced the copper in his mouth and that made him shake. 

What afterlife awaited him? Fire and torture for his crimes? Would his parents be there so he can beg forgiveness a thousand times over? Or will it be nothing? A lost being floating into nothing forever?

His vision settled last, eyes going dark and Lids settling into their final position. The dagger falls, but Caleb does not see it. He sees and feels nothing as his heart starts it’s last beat.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He made the commitment, but does he regret it?

_Caleb_

He heard a voice, calling to him in the dark.

_Oh god was he attacked?_

Voices, more than one. So faint, so far.

_No. It was… it was not that._

_What was it? Oh fuck is he even…_

_Spare the dying. My last one. I need to rest to do more. Get potions now._

Caleb felt like he knew those voices. He drifted closer and was at what felt like a window, but it shifted like mist or water.

Through the image he could see the Mighty Nein moving around in a rush. Caleb frowned. Was everything okay? Did someone get hurt? Was it Jester?

_What was that idiot thinking walking off like that? Yasha go look for whoever did this!_

_Mr. Fjord… He did this to himself._

Caleb finally sees who was laying in the middle of the cluster.

His own body, eyes closed and front bloodied. It must have been only minutes. He should know the exact time but that felt like it didn’t matter.

_He… what?_

_Caduceus that’s fucked up! He won’t…_

_It was his dagger in his lap, and his books were tucked away safely._

_Caleb!_

“Nott…” Caleb could do nothing as Nott wailed, holding onto the still body.

Still body?

_We need potions now. He isn’t dying but he will be again if we don’t start healing him._

“No! Don’t waste those on me!” Caleb called out, watching as no one heard. Nott was still wailing and every tear that fell from her hurt Caleb even more. This wasn’t the plan. No one was supposed to be hurt because of him.

Caleb looked at the others and saw Beau was crying too. And Fjord had to wipe his eyes as he searched his pack for what he had. He finally cries as Jester, hurt Jester, too kind Jester, was trying to pull herself closer to heal.

_I’m too far! Beau help me!_

_You need to rest too!_

_He’s dying! I can’t let him die! Caleb!_

Yasha got up and helped Jester over, then went and stood just outside the cave. Caleb wondered if she will leave again. He hoped not. She would need comfort eventually too.

Jester started healing him and a hand touched Caleb’s shoulder.

“They are mourning you. Why did you think they won’t?”

“They shouldn’t. I am, filth. Disgusting. Horrible.”

“But look at them. They see you for who you really are.”

_It’s not working right!_

_What, ah... what if we all? Pray? We all try and pray?_

_Maybe? Traveler would that work?_

“Yes Jester, it would.” Caleb wants to turn and see this God that Jester worships, But Nott was holding his shirt and Caduceus looked so hurt that he cannot look away.

_Caleb come back. Please. You’re my boy. Please Caleb don’t go. Please._

“Nott… I didn’t want you to… see me like that…” Caleb muttered.

_Caleb don’t you fucking die. I’m not allowing you to. Wake up or I’ll punch your fucking ghost._

“Beauregard.” Caleb hated how the strong monk mourned with pain and anger.

_You mean so much to us all. You’ve done so much for us…_

“Fjord… I held you back.” Caleb tried to argue.

_Without you… I would have given into Uk’otoa. You saved us all… so many times… we need you Caleb._

Caleb kept crying as everyone prayed.

_Storm lord don’t take him. I lost Molly, don’t make me lose him._

“Yasha…” Caleb felt a gentle rumble through wherever he was but ignored it.

_Mr. Caleb… you were the one to bring me with you all. You have been there for me many times. Let me be there for you now. And if I cannot, May you rest with the Wildmother in her garden, in my place if you must._

“Will you return?” A sweet voice on his other side spoke. “They all miss you.”

“They do…” He hurt them so much trying to protect them. “But Trent…”

“You will never stop running if you start now. One day you will turn and face him, and if you stay on the path you were, you will win.”

“You just have to have faith.”

Both voices disappear, and Caleb is alone, watching Jester cradle his head and cry.

_Caleb? Can you hear me? Please come back… I don’t really mean it when I say you smell, or when I say you don’t bathe... I couldn’t save Molly… please let me save you… you saved me today remember? That monster was going to cut me in half and you stopped it… please I didn’t get to thank you…_

Caleb frowned as she bent more over his head and tears dripped onto the cooler face below.

_It’s my fault… I should have died not you... I’m sorry..._

Caleb felt weak and reached out to touch Jester through the image and his hand went through. He felt himself being pulled and followed. He needed to assure her this was not her fault. He had to tell them all this was his choice and none of them were the cause.

He was falling and the images disappeared and his heart leapt into his throat. Did he mess it up? What if he can never go back and tell them the truth?

And then he noticed his head was tilted a bit weird.

And his chest felt sticky and weird.

And his body felt weird.

And he opened his eyes and inhaled air.


	3. Chapter 3

“CALEB!”

The noise hurt and he closed his eyes against it.

“Oh fuck did it work!?”

“Caleb! Caleb are you okay?”

“Nott give him room! How’s his breathing?”

He opened his eyes again, looking at everyone around him. They all were crying and Caleb cried too. “I’m sorry…”

Nott climbed onto him and held him close. “You’re alive! He’s alive everyone! Caleb! You scared us! What happened? Who hurt you!?”

“I already said-“

“Fuck off! He didn’t-! He-! Caleb who hurt you?” 

Caleb felt tears roll down his cheeks as Nott denied the truth. “I… I’m sorry…”

“You better fucking be!” Beau yelled at him. Nott hissed at her and kept trying to comfort Caleb. Caleb felt more guilty. He wanted to spare them pain but only caused more.

“Caleb, look at me.” Caleb could turn his eyes a bit but that was all Fjord would get for now. His body still felt so weak. “Did you… Did you do…”

“...yes.”

Beau yelled, punched the cave wall, and yelled again in pain.

“Stop lying! Just tell us who Caleb. Was it one of them? We can go? Would that help?” Nott tilted his face to hers and Caleb cried more.

“It was me… Me Nott…”

Nott shook her head, eyes scrunched tightly against the river of pain she was going through. “No! No you won’t!”

“Spare you… all you… I wanted… stop being… burden…” Caleb felt his eyes starting to fall again and even as his heart picked up, he felt calm. Maybe this was just his goodbye.

“Loved you… Mein tod sollte… es besser… machen.”

His eyes fell shut and he could hear everyone panicking above him. Part of him wanted to be held, but the part that started this hoped this time he could rest.

Everything felt floaty, spots of warmth around him and on him. He liked this version more. This time he didn’t need to face his friends as they try and bring him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a shorter chapter this time, I didn’t realize how long this fic wanted to be. Gonna try and fix him properly apparently.
> 
> Hold on for this bumpy ride
> 
> Also the “zimnian” is “My death should make it better.”


	4. Chapter 4

He floated in peace, the only thing on his mind is the idle passage of time. It felt soothing. He had nothing to worry about here.

But soon his body felt rested, and his eyes opened to a bright day and everyone in the Mighty Nein sleeping on any part of him they could. Not a single one of them looked well rested.

Caleb looked down at the bandages around his shirtless torso, wondering where his shirt went. Seeing the aftermath was not what he expected. He didn’t think he would ever see anything again.

“Mr. Caleb?”

He turned his head to Caduceus. The cleric had taken post by his head, shoulder brushing his knee as Caduceus sat up. “Ja?”

“Are you… alive?” He looked hurt and confused and pained.

“Uh… Ja?”

“... On the inside too?”

Caleb stared at him.

Caduceus shifted in his spot. Caleb has never seen him look uncomfortable talking about something before. “When I kept the temple, some people came because of… this. And sometimes I talked to the person before. Some people… Followed others. And they told me they felt like they were already gone. And I never understood how someone would feel like that… I don’t know if I want to.”

Caleb felt even worse now. “Caduceus I’m sorry.”

“Was it us?”

Eyes snapped to look down at Jester who was crying again already on his left arm. “Did we make you do this?”

“Nein. Nein Jester nein. You… You are too good. You should... should not like someone like me.”

“But you’re good too Caleb! No matter what you think of yourself or your past! It’s like what Molly said. That person is dead. You’re now Caleb.”

Caleb stared at her. There was no way his death could erase his crimes, but he wondered how Molly would have felt about this. Leave it better than I found it. A motto Beau seemed to try and follow now, and one Caleb couldn’t believe in.

Nothing could make him better. He was too bad.

“Fuck me last night sucked.” Beau complained as she got up, and saw Caleb was awake. “Fuck Uh… hey. Last night… didn’t suck?”

“It did… I’m sorry.”

“Good.” Beau moved her hands like she was trying to decide between patting his head or punching him, then just started pulling food out to cook. She kicked Fjord as she did so to make him get up.

“Ow. Thanks Beau.”

“Yep!”

He sat up and stretched, then looked at Caleb. “We’re having a long talk today.”

Caleb tried to sink into the ground. “I rather not.”

“See normally I would accept that. Last night was not normal.” Fjord pointed out.

“It… wasn’t that bad?”

Caleb groaned as Beau kicked his arm hard.

“Caleb!” With her scream, Beau started screaming while Nott attacked her ankles from her spot on the ground.

“Nott! Nott Stop! Please!” Caleb begged, reaching for her as much as he could.

“Damn it Nott Stop!”

“Don’t kick Caleb! He’s very hurt!” Jester cried, casting a healing spell that made Caleb just feel more guilty. She shouldn’t have to do this for him. He was a terrible person.

Fjord finally manages to pull Nott off, who scurries up Caleb’s chest to check on him. “Are you okay?”

“I….” The words on the top of his tongue but for once he can’t push them out. The common lie he told everyone and himself.

He did just die the night before, because he was a terrible person. And now he had to face the friends he was going to leave behind for their safety about the fact.

Nott stared down at him with big eyes and Caleb just closed his mouth and looked down. He didn’t deserve the pity and sorrow he had seen.

“This. Really. Sucks.” Beau said.

“You don’t need to repeat yourself.” Yasha said, getting up to get some wood for a breakfast fire.

“We should keep moving. Find somewhere safe to have this talk.” Fjord said, standing up. “Nott, get anything sharp off him okay?”

“What?” Caleb looked up at him.

“We are not doing this again. You need your bat shit and stuff fine. But anything sharp is going to be held by us.” Fjord glared and Caleb remembered the Rictors house, a sea-salt wet blade held to him with the same determination.

Caleb hated the look on him.

Nott clearly hated it too but nodded. “Caleb?”

“The dagger… was all I had… I promise.”

Fjord sighed and turned to save the breakfast Beau was trying to make.

Caleb felt like everything was a blur, packing up and eating and setting out again, dreading the first place of civilization they may find.

He was a coward in that way.


End file.
